My Private Shame
by Vykk Weasley
Summary: Diary entries of a Draenei shaman living among the Kurenai.


I don't know if people suspect yet. I came close to divulging my origins today at the Winter Ball. No one must know that I am Kurenai. My practice of Shamanism already makes me the target of some suspicion. Members of the Retribution have been kind to me, but I fear what may happen if the truth gets out. I find that I almost want them to know, just so I'm not carrying around this guilt. On the other hand, I fear that I will lose their regard. I am eager to meet this Zatasha, as she is also a Shaman. I found a fellow lover of green at the ball, Khavii. She was nice, for a Night Elf. Maybe my focus on Draenei isn't the best idea, but it's their acceptance I crave the most. I think I'll meditate in nature for a while. That always helps me clear my head.

* * *

It is a pleasant day in the Exodar. I'm studying with Farii the art of crafting jewels. Being around Draenei always makes me feel at home. I'm still hiding the fact that I'm Kurenai (hopefully with success). The anxiety does little to affect my mood, though. Most of the time, I just like walking around the Exodar, especially in the Vault of Lights. Being among my own people, and I feel that the Draenei are my people, helps me answer some very important questions. It brings me to a state of peace and serenity I've only ever reached in dreams. I will not sever my connections with Telaar, but I can no longer call it my home. The Exodar is my home, among the good and honorable Draenei whom I love so much.

* * *

Upon entering Outland, I was instantly reimmersed in the culture I had left behind. I admire the Kurenai at Orebor Harborage and Telaar for overcoming their shame. They strive to overcome their Brokenness in a way that is visible to the Draenei. I performed many tasks for Orebor Harborage and Telredor in Zangarmarsh. Both treated me fairly, but the Kurenai at Orebor seemed more wary until a few discerned my origins. They agreed to keep my secret while urging me to reconcile it in my mind so that I would no longer be ashamed. I could not bring myself to do this because of the stigma that would settle on my shoulders, rather than be confined in my mind as it is now. The atmosphere of Zangarmarsh may have played a part, however. It is full of life, but there is a...murkiness to everything, which lends itself to darkness and foreboding. I seemed a bit...looser in Telaar, surrounded by verdant grasses and lumbering draft animals. There seemed to be so much...light in Telaar, which I believe helped my mood when speaking with the Kurenai there. I have done much more for Telaar than for Orebor, not only because Telaar is larger and more visible, but also because it seems so much more hopeful and alive. I still keep my Kurenai origins hidden, but I am beginning to consider being more open. If I can get over myself and be friendlier to members of the Retribution, I might be able to make friends and cultivate mutual trust. Then I would finally be relieved of this burden that is seeming less and less necessary with every passing day.

* * *

I felt rather uncomfortable being among Retribution members in a social setting, though I was able to settle myself into a relatively secluded corner of the ship. My primary company for the evening was an interesting Draenei by the name of Nassaluuna. I was amazed that she seemed even shyer than I did. Even her very social teacher couldn't draw her out. As we reluctantly conversed, I began to suspect that she was Kurenai, like me. She got particularly evasive when I spoke of Telaar. However, I soon found out that she merely had amnesia. She was hesitant to answer because she knew nothing for sure, not because of any specific shame. For a few moments, I dared to hope that I had found a kindred spirit. Not all hope is lost, however. I merely need to continue walking along my solitary path. I have found comfort in being alone to the point that I generally mistrust others, but I believe that I am not immune to the company of others. For this I rejoice, because it means there is hope for me yet.

* * *

Why aren't they after me? I killed two Draenei, more or less in cold blood. Does nobody love them? Perhaps their families are dead. In their own way, they might have been as Broken as I am. If that is so, the world is well rid of them. Being without a family is bad enough, but not even searching for one is tantamount to declining one's right to live.

But what of me? I'm increasingly losing interest in the company of others. Am I declining my right to live, too? I go to the tavern and get drunk. Apparently, I'm also passing out and letting things slip. Does it even matter? I don't even have the illusion of a cause anymore, since the Retribution is now a shadow of its former self. I feel like my mind is adrift in the Twisting Nether. Perhaps it's my time to die.

* * *

Now I can say that I'm truly happy. I have a family again in the form of a brother I thought I had lost. Now I am glad that I failed to kill him. He says I forced him to see the Light. He refuses to answer for his crimes, but I believe he wants to make up for them.

But what of the Kurenai? I have lived among them for so long. They took me in and sheltered me when I fled Tempest Keep. I refuse to turn my back on them, but at the same time, I can't live there anymore. I need to return to the Exodar to better fight the Scourge threat in Northrend and the rest of Azeroth.

I fear that my association with the Kurenai will taint my interactions with most Draenei. I have no illusions that my new life in the Exodar will be easy. Draenei are reasonable, though. I'm sure any differences will be managed in the face of the Scourge threat. We need to be united as a people. Along with the lesser races of the Alliance (humans, gnomes, dwarves, night elves), we can crush the Scourge.

* * *

I have seen the destruction wreaked upon Northrend by the Scourge. So many wounded...so many lost. I would be of more use as part of a larger force, rather than a healer running around desperately trying to save everyone. I have fought across the entirety of the Borean Tundra and still I feel that I made no impact. I have thoroughly explored and fought in Dragonblight, Zul'Drak, Scholazar and the Storm Peaks. Right now I'm trying to help the Argent Crusade in the fortress of Icecrown. I hope being a part of something bigger will make more of an impact, so that I may strike at the heart of the Scourge, rather than deal with its aftermath.


End file.
